My grand theory of drama.

I was talking to Snuglomaniac about some social drama in our local kink scene and developed this theory with her. It’s a good theory. This is my theory of how people get into fights in social groups. 

For drama you need primary drama nodes and secondary drama nodes. Primary nodes are normally straight up bad people. They aren’t considerate of other people’s sensibilities, they make no effort to see things from other people’s point of view or forgive people even minor faults, they hold grudges for years and will actively make life difficult for the subject of these grudges. Sometimes these people cross the line from being deeply unpleasant to being straight up abusive, in which case they go in my trashcan of garbage humans and I stop making an effort for them. The best way to spot a primary drama node is because they are always complaining about “drama llamas” and other people making drama. Primary drama nodes never think of themselves as making drama, but are constantly surrounded by it, so they blame everyone else.

(Aside: it is my opinion that these people, even the abusive ones, are often (not always) very distressed. Most bad people are suffering themselves and they’re not coping well, so don’t have much mental space to pay attention to other people’s feelings, and feel victimised and attacked a lot so attempt to defend themselves by overreacting to minor faults. It doesn’t stop them sowing misery seeds everywhere they go though. I think that the best way to deal with this is to treat said distressed people with compassion, patience and understanding, even if they’ve been abusive fuckwits – if they’re abusive because they’re miserable, being awful to them won’t make them happier and so less abusive. But it is also my opinion that this is not my job. I am not a social worker or a psychologist, and if my sole interaction with someone is social, and that social interaction is unpleasant, I will ditch them. They may need help, but it is not my duty to provide that help, and I’m not going to spend time with someone who makes me miserable.)

Primary nodes make drama because they treat people badly, basically. But for a primary node to create true drama it needs to interact with a secondary drama node. A secondary drama node is a perfectly fine person, and what makes them a secondary drama node is that they will stand up for themselves and say to the primary drama node “actually, you’re treating me badly, and I won’t put up with it”. Primary drama nodes can’t cope with that and will get angry at the secondary drama node, the secondary drama node will probably get upset right back. Hence argument, grudges held, bitchy shit spread among the group, full on drama. Not everyone is a secondary drama node because lots of people are conflict phobic and will make an effort to placate the primary drama nodes. They value an easy life and can’t be bothered with the fights, presumably having much more interesting things to do.

Those people probably have much lower blood pressure than I do, because I am a secondary drama node. I will tell people if I have a problem with their behaviour and I refuse to back down to make things easier for myself. Most of my friends are also secondary drama nodes, because I’m attracted to people who will also get ragingly angry over apparently minor things. (I call it passion and self-belief.) I am okay with being a secondary drama node.

As for primary drama nodes, I will continue in my effort to have as few of them in my life as possible. I’m still going to hear a lot about them because I love secondary drama nodes, but as for the actual nodes themselves? They can fuck off.

Diary entry – 11/07/14 – Either the worst or the best psychiatrist I’ve ever seen.

Last academic year my GP referred me onto primary care, which in my case took the form of an eight week course of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy), because she thought I needed it. The therapist I ended up seeing decided to refer me to secondary care (a longer term form of talking therapy) because he thought I needed it. That CBT therapist dropped off the face of the planet for reasons unknown to me – seriously, I just got an email one day saying Mr So-and-so is no longer seeing patients due to sudden and unexpected circumstances – and never finished the referral, so my GP referred me onto secondary care because she thought I needed it. Yesterday I got that secondary care, which turned out to be one Professor A.

My appointment with Professor A was not a positive experience for me. Essentially, he didn’t take anything I said seriously and his whole manner was pretty aggressive and combative. I don’t want to pick through this whole appointment in detail, but it was stuff like me saying I’m on the autistic spectrum; him saying everyone is. Him saying have I ever thought about going travelling and me saying I can’t because I get panic attacks if I’m away from home for too long; him then saying I should buy a one way ticket to Istanbul. Etc etc. There was lots of stuff. Actually, I’m not going to pick through the whole appointment, but I am going to mention a few more specific examples of stuff he did which I personally don’t think he should have done, because it’ll give this post context and I need to get it off my chest.

In the early part of the appointment I said I’m a weird human and I often find it difficult to socially integrate because of this. He asked why I’m weird. When I say “weird” in the context of finding it difficult to socially integrate, I mean the poly/kinky/sex worker thing (I haven’t written about this yet, but I’m working as a pro-Domme now and so qualify as a sex worker). In fairness I did linger on this a bit, because I always do when I tell mental health professionals about this, because I’m scared of them thinking my lifestyle is a symptom and I want them to know that these things come from a good place inside me, not a place of distress. But he told me he thought it was strange that I flaunted my sex life so early in the appointment? And, later in the appointment, told that me he didn’t find sex impressive, he didn’t think it was weird, he actually found it quite boring, and it’s like…I wasn’t trying to impress you. Why are you acting as if I was? I told you because it’s an important part of my identity and it affects the way I interact with my peers. I’m not trying to convince you I’m an edgy little snowflake, this is just…me. 

Read more »

I LIVE

Blogblogblogblog. Hello blog. I’ve been leaving you for a good few months while I get my head together and sort out stuff to put here. I think I’m ready to commit to this blog again, although I may go AWOL again and if I do I make no apologies for it. This blog is mine. It exists to improve my quality of life. And sometimes (for instance, most of my first year of uni) maintaining it becomes a stressful burden rather than the joyful catharsis it should be, and in those times it is okay to stop blogging. I owe nothing to no one (I can’t work out whether or not that’s a double negative) and I shall do as I damn well please.

Let’s start with a tale of Tansy malfunction. I feel like that’s a good place to start. Just a short one.

I have four pet snakes as some of you may know. Two of them (Twiglet and Sneaky) live in the same tank and when I feed them I put Twiglet in a separate box so they don’t bicker over food. I was feeding them before coming up to Nottingham today, so I put Twiglet in her box, gave her a rat, gave Sneaky a rat in his tank, gave Jezebel and Roger rats in their tanks, packed up my stuff for Nottingham, gave Jezebel another rat (she’s voracious), told my mum I did want an egg sandwich thanks for offering, packed up my stuff for the dance class I was going to in London before Nottingham, checked the time, worried I was running late, dashed downstairs, grabbed my egg sandwich and headed out. 

What is wrong with this sequence of events?

Five hours later I suddenly clicked and called home in a panic. Thank god I didn’t get my mum, who is not a fan of the snakes, and instead got my brother, who responded much better to “is there a snake in the box?” than my mum would have. Twiglet had not left her box and my brother restored her safely to her tank. Thankfully.

Relatively minor malfunction this time. Relatively. It could all have been much more dramatic if Twiglet had gone for a wander.

Other things…I have become EVEN MORE of a social media whore and got an Instagram and a Foursquare account. I am now on Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, FetLife, deviantART (I feel like that counts as social media), Pinterest, Instagram and Foursquare/Swarm. There’s a link to Twitter on the front of my blog and a link to Instagram on my about page, but the others are either limited to people I actually know in real life or are really boring for anyone apart from me (Pinterest = lots of pictures of make up). If you do want to hunt me for any reason I am TansyBlue across all my accounts, except Instagram because there was already a TansyBlue on Insta (grr, Diane Powers, how dare you), so I decided to really go in a different direction for that one and call myself TansyBlue1. I won’t add you on FetLife or Facebook unless I know you in real life though.

If I know you even passingly, you’re based in London/Nottingham and you’ve ever fancied getting Swarm, pleeeease get one and add me, I am so lonely on Swarm all by myself. I’m not sure if it’s really taken off in the UK…

As an aside, a friend did a survey recently for her work on students’ use of social media and, even though the results were anonymised, knew I’d replied because I listed FetLife as a site I use. I am not subtle.

Back, with a bang.

mimieuxinmadrid:

That was so incredibly cliché, it hurt.

Much has been going on in the land of Mimieux, since I got back from Spain. I’ve been home for just over a month now, and I’ve squeezed in two orgies, one munch, a trip to a nudist spa, and a potential girlfriend. (I know, I don’t really talk about girls…

I host orgies, bitches. Again. This is becoming a regular thing in my life.

The Herd crowdfunding campaign - horror film based on the dairy industry - closing date 6th May

tansyblue:

image

My friend is producing a short horror film, “The Herd”, and I think it sounds interesting, so I said I’d share the associated crowdfunding campaign around. The premise of the film is very simple: take the life of an ordinary dairy cow, and put humans in their place. From the link…

Imprisoned within inhuman squalor with other women, Paula’s existence and human function is abused as a resource by her captors.

Escape, on any level, is hopeless as the women are condemned to a life of enforced servitude for one reason only – their milk.

Enslaved, inseminated and abused – every facet of their life is violated. At first the premise seems exaggerated and absurd; but is, in fact, disgusting in its stark normality.

In short, THE HERD inflicts the life of the average dairy cow on to a group of human women and weaves this premise into a brutal tale of original horror.

 From the director, Melanie Light…

“This is not just about gore and blood, it’s something that will psychologically affect you.”

And the script writer, Ed Pope…

“I wrote this script in order to transpose the horror experienced by dairy cows everyday that’d designed to disgust and disturb and portray images in a way that people can relate to by subjecting human females to the same horrors and tortures that people subject dairy cows to.”

The cast and crew includes talent that has previously worked on productions such as Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, and The Woman. The team is passionate about it, and this film will get made whatever happens, but it will get made to a much higher standard if their crowdfunding campaign is successful. (Click that link! Or this link! Just click any of these links!)

This is all good things – interesting indie British film, animal rights, social criticism. I think it’s a great idea and I very much hope they meet their crowdfunding goal (the closing date is 6th May!). So I’m releasing this under the “vegan” tag and I’m hoping it’ll at least be reblogged a few times…all signal boosts very much appreciated, let’s get this thing made.

If you can’t donate but are still interested in following the film’s progress, it has a Facebook page here.

Bump-ba-bump! Crowdfunding camapign closes today!

The Herd crowdfunding campaign - horror film based on the dairy industry - closing date 6th May

My friend is producing a short horror film, “The Herd”, and I think it sounds interesting, so I said I’d share the associated crowdfunding campaign around. The premise of the film is very simple: take the life of an ordinary dairy cow, and put humans in their place. From the link…

Imprisoned within inhuman squalor with other women, Paula’s existence and human function is abused as a resource by her captors.

Escape, on any level, is hopeless as the women are condemned to a life of enforced servitude for one reason only – their milk.

Enslaved, inseminated and abused – every facet of their life is violated. At first the premise seems exaggerated and absurd; but is, in fact, disgusting in its stark normality.

In short, THE HERD inflicts the life of the average dairy cow on to a group of human women and weaves this premise into a brutal tale of original horror.

 From the director, Melanie Light…

“This is not just about gore and blood, it’s something that will psychologically affect you.”

And the script writer, Ed Pope…

“I wrote this script in order to transpose the horror experienced by dairy cows everyday that’d designed to disgust and disturb and portray images in a way that people can relate to by subjecting human females to the same horrors and tortures that people subject dairy cows to.”

The cast and crew includes talent that has previously worked on productions such as Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, and The Woman. The team is passionate about it, and this film will get made whatever happens, but it will get made to a much higher standard if their crowdfunding campaign is successful. (Click that link! Or this link! Just click any of these links!)

This is all good things – interesting indie British film, animal rights, social criticism. I think it’s a great idea and I very much hope they meet their crowdfunding goal (the closing date is 6th May!). So I’m releasing this under the “vegan” tag and I’m hoping it’ll at least be reblogged a few times…all signal boosts very much appreciated, let’s get this thing made.

If you can’t donate but are still interested in following the film’s progress, it has a Facebook page here.

Diary entry – 17/04/2014 - #livetweetingthreesomes

I spent most of the week starting the 14th April in my friend’s house with a bunch of kinky friends including the girlfriend, Pixie and Mimieux. I guess it was roughly a sex party because there was a lot of sex. The sexual mores were definitely very…liberal. People just got naked and did stuff at will regardless of who else was in the room and what else was going on. Which is just the way I like it.

ANYWAY so on the evening of the 17th my girlfriend, Pixie, and male friend R were starting up a threesome. I was on the other bed in the room checking Tumblr. And I live tweeted it. And now I’m collecting those tweets here. Because it’s hilarious. LET’S GO.

"Girlfriend, be more careful with R’s cock." (I’m not doing anything sexual. I’m Tumblring while the threesome happens on the other bed.)

 ”Urgh you just fingered me in the balls.” This is not a very well-coordinated threesome that I’m observing.

"Help me with this strap on." "You’ve got it 90 degrees wrong." #poorlycoordinatedthreesomes

This was my girlfriend misunderstanding strap ons/misaiming fingers in both of the last two tweets. She then asked for some poppers…

"It’s not the person doing the shafting who’s meant to have the poppers." #livetweetingthreesomes

"That’s not a condom that’s lube."

"This condom’s not big enough for my fake cock." "…You’ve got it inside out." #livetweetingthreesomes

These last three are all to my girlfriend. Sex is awkward.

Read more »

Tansy’s Sex Tips

So directly after that long ramble about how there’s no such thing as being good in bed, I’m going to…tell you how to be good in bed. According to me. Yup. That makes sense.

Firstly, the only three things I can tell you about the actual physical act of sex.

  • Oral sex for penises often benefits from paying lots of attention to the head of the penis, which is normally more sensitive, although sometimes over-sensitive.
  • Oral sex for vulvas often benefits from pulling back the clitoral hood with a finger to give direct access with the tongue, a toy, or another finger to the clitoris. Leave the lights on for proper anatomy exploration, every vulva’s different.
  • There are nerve endings all over the body and gentle, light touches to these are pleasurable pretty much anywhere. Don’t go straight for genitals and nipples, run your hands over the whole torso, the back, buttocks, legs, arms…? Yeah, arms, why not. (FYI, when you do get round to genitals and nipples, male nipples enjoy stimulation too; I slept with a guy recently who prefers have his nipples licked to his cock)

That’s it. That’s all I know.

Secondly, the actually useful stuff.

Ditch your expectations and assumptions.

Everyone’s sexuality and sexual behaviour is different. Anything you’ve seen in porn, anything your friends have told you, anything you’ve experienced beforehand – forget it. This is a new person. They will behave differently. I cannot stress this enough. Whatever you were expecting, it’s wrong, so just ignore all of that and focus on interacting with the person in front of you.

Do not EVER shame your partner’s body.

So they’ve got a dodgy tattoo or a scar you weren’t expecting or a thousand different moles or whatever. So what. This is their body, it’s a part of them, and if you want to make sure they have a good time with you then you better not tell them that it’s wrong or bad, because their body is not wrong. It’s just them. You’re in bed with this person, there must be something about them you found attractive, and that comes packaged in with the rest of them too. If you really can’t cope for whatever reason, then firstly understand that it is not their fault for having a body, it is your personal preference. Then say something “I’m sorry, there’s nothing wrong with you but I find [physical feature xyz] kind of off-putting – it’s just me, there must be loads of people out there who like it but I’m not one of them, do you mind if we stop/carry on without touching that body part please?”.

Do not EVER shame your partner’s sexuality.

Pretty much the same as above. You picked this person. They are a full person, you can’t pick out the bits you fancy and only sleep with those. I absolutely encourage you to say no thank you to any sexual act they suggest that you don’t fancy, but don’t say it’s “weird” or “scary” or any variant on. If you must, say something like “I haven’t encountered that before” or “I’m a bit scared of that” (but not “it’s scary”, that implies an objective truth rather than a subjective experience), but it’s really better to just say no thanks and move on without any further commentary.

I would possibly make an exception for people who tell you they have fantasies about unethical acts such as paedophilia or bestiality, but even then, if it’s purely a fantasy rather than an intention, just before sexytimes is possibly not the best time to discuss it.

Read more »